Category: Divorce

The short answer is no, you can’t choose a date of separation. In the real world, efficiency and common sense would suggest that you could. But this is not an agreement to apply for “services” from the government. It is a lawsuit, and a judge must use the law. Divorce is a legal status, similar to a legal status of biological parent in a paternity case, for example. Each state has laws dictating how long a married couple must be separated before they are eligible to divorce. Here in North Carolina, the law requires a one-year separation. This should not be confused with our residency requirement. It requires at least one spouse to live in this state for six months before he or she is allowed to file a claim for divorce, even if the parties have already been separated for a year when one spouse moves here.

All Divorces Are Lawsuits

It can be easy to forget that even uncontested divorces are filed by a plaintiff, served on a defendant, and ruled upon by a judge. In fact, most people don’t even have to be in court. Except for incurable insanity, the only ground for a divorce in North Carolina is a one-year separation. This requires that at least one spouse intends for the separation to be permanent, although there is no requirement that the lawsuit say which spouse intends to remain apart. Examples of one-year separations that don’t fit into this category are couples who are only separated by military service or incarceration. They are not separated unless one spouse intends to remain separated (i.e., that person does not want to move back home when no longer physically separated).

The divorce complaint, the document that starts the lawsuit,  cannot even be signed until the day after the year has passed. When you sign the complaint, you do so under oath, under penalty of perjury, which is a crime. Worse yet, if you lie about the DOS, your fraudulently obtained divorce can be set aside (voided) because you were not separated for one full year.

Why Do We Have to Wait a Year?

The government doesn’t want you to have a fight with your husband or wife, separate for a few days or weeks, get divorced and then reconcile and remarry. Many lawyers, myself included, believe the length of separation is too long. Some states require a longer wait only if the couple has children, and let the non-parents divorce much sooner. Although many believe the waiting period is excessive, it is the law and we must all obey it. There are plenty of others who believe one year isn’t long enough. Our state laws used to require a two-year waiting period. Not too long ago, there was a proposed “Healthy Marriage Act” that would’ve restored the two-year waiting period. In fact, it would have required counseling of some sort for parents and non-parents alike.

Can We Just Stay on Opposite Ends of the House?

Although the idea of separating in the same house is a clever one, it is inadequate. A separation requires living under two different roofs. This can be difficult for couples who don’t have enough money to establish two separate homes. But if separate homes weren’t required for a separation, it would be impossible to clearly identify who is or isn’t separated. Your spouse could claim the one-year separation had already occurred, and you could have a sheriff serve you with a divorce complaint out of the blue. Brand new parents need the whole nine months to figure out what they are doing with this new legal title of parents. And, so it is with divorces. You have to figure out medical insurance, where you will be living for the immediate future, your short-term finances, sometimes your employment, and perhaps what to do about your children. On the upside, the clock no longer stops ticking if there are “isolated incidents of sexual intercourse between the parties . . .” In the past, you could be separated for a long time but any sexual intimacy restarted the clock for one-year separation.

See NC Gen. Stat. §50-6

Besides obtaining a divorce, the date a couple separates can have a significant impact on equitable distribution of marital assets and debts, child support and alimony. When a married couple decides to call it quits, there is some date they separated.  But when is it? The answer is not always as simple as it sounds. There is a myth that people can’t be separated for purposes of divorce until they have something on paper. That is not the case. In North Carolina, if parties stop living together, and at least one intends the separation to be permanent, they are separated. Physically living apart is a requirement, however. Living in the same home in different rooms or out-buildings such as the garage or “man cave” is usually not enough. Despite what was portrayed in the War of the Roses movie when one duct taped a line down one-half of the house, you can’t do it that way here if your goal is to seek a divorce.

The State Policy

From the viewpoint of the public policy behind this one year waiting period, marriages should be fostered and divorce should be discouraged to some extent.  A waiting period gives spouses time to cool off after a major dispute. The courts would no doubt be much busier if there was no waiting period and either party could apply for a divorce on Monday morning after a fight on Friday night. There is debate about whether the year-long waiting period prevents divorces, thereby preserving marriages. The requirement that at least one of the parties intend for the separation to be permanent makes sense when you think about happily married people who are physically separated because of military service or because one of them spends an extended period of time in the hospital, for example.

What If We Try to Work Things Out?

Another question in determining whether you are separated for the purpose of divorce is whether you have made any efforts to reconcile. If a couple reconciles, meaning they return to the husband and wife relationship they had before the separation, they are no longer separated. If they reconcile and later decide to separate again, the one year wait begins from that second date of separation. Years ago, the one year period of separation required to seek a divorce would start over if the parties had intercourse.  Now, the law says that an isolated act of intercourse will not start the clock over again but beyond that, it is not always clear at what point they reconciled or separated. Reconciliation and making efforts to work things out can lead to one of the spouses moving back into the home, which is almost always viewed as reconciling in legal terms. There is no black and white answer on whether the actions of a couple between those two extremes would require the one year waiting period to begin all over again. The court looks at the circumstances of each case when the date of separation is disputed.